Death Etiquette

This blog comes bearing bad news. My paternal grandmother, affectionately known as Nana has passed away. And now I'm not sure what to do with myself. I mean I'm sad of course, I loved my Nana very much and I'll miss her very much but...what now. I don't have much experience with death when it comes to people I'm close to (thankfully). Which I kind of feel bad even saying because my great grandmother, on my maternal grandfather's side recently died, and I was sad, but we weren't very close.... The death of my Nana has hit me much harder. I didn't cry for Walla, I love her but I barely knew her. I'm not close to that side of the family at all. And even though I was closer to her in proximity, emotionally I felt closer to my Nana. Now that Nana's gone all I have is guilt and questions. I feel guilty because I hardly kept in touch. I'd been writing her recently, but I feel like it wasn't enough. I didn't call, I rarely visted (only twice that I can remember and that was within the last four years), I didn't tell her how much I love her or how much she means to me, and now I feel guilty because of it. This blog is titled Death Etiquette because I don't have any of it. When is it okay to smile again, when is it okay to laugh, when is it okay to stop pretending I'm okay, or better yet when will I actually be okay? When will my eyes stop welling up at random moments? When will I be able to stay in class during discussions on the death of a character? And the question that plauges me the most is, is it even okay for me to be so effected when I was such a terrible grandaughter?