I've been thinking a lot about masks lately, and I don't mean the halloween or masquerade kind. I mean the invisible kind. I truely believe that everyone wears masks at some point or another. Even if it's something as simple as slapping on that professional smile at work when really what you want to do is slap the boss...or the customer. There's nothing wrong with wearing a mask, but there is something wrong when you can't take it off. That's a problem that I feel I'm starting to have.
My mask is a happy one. I'm always happy, at least that's what people think. I don't like to make people worry about me. I want people to think I'm fine, I'm happy, and I've got it together all the time. And knowing that people think I'm always happy makes me really want to be always happy. I don't think there's anything wrong with this...but it's starting to get harder and harder to take it off. No matter how I'm feeling, if I see a friend--or even just a general aquaintance--the mask appears. I'm always smiling, I'm always "Fine" or "Great!" well, every now and then I'm "pretty good." It's like I don't know a negative answer to "How are you?"
Most people have a few people in their lives who can see through their mask. The people who will look at them and say "No your not; how are you really?" Or just "What's wrong?" I don't seem to have one of those people. Maybe my mask is impenetrable, but I truely wish it weren't. I'm an internalizer, I keep everything inside until I can't take it anymore and then I just snap. I can tell that I'm nearing my limit now. Lately, whenever I'm alone and I let the mask drop the tears just start coming. Even when I'm not feeling particularly sad. I'm having mood swings out the wazoo. I really feel like I'm about to break down and I don't know what to do about it.
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