What It's Like to Be Lonely

I had a flash back to middle school today. Back then I didn't have many friends and I was always alone. And the worst time to have no friends in middle school is at lunch. Lunch is the ultimate social hour (in high school too, but I had food buddies then)I'd often escape the misery by skipping lunch and going to the library or taking a book and reading while I ate. Here at Converse I haven't had to worry about that. All of us can barely fit aroun a table. We sit elbow to elbow at almost every meal. But it's fall break in Connieland right now and most of my friends are gone. The ones who are still here I've only seen in passing. Not wanting to eat alone, I've been avoiding the dining hall and eating in my room, but I'm kind of out of tv dinners so I ventured to Gee for lunch today. None of my friends were there and felt kind of like a loser sitting by myself. I felt myself slipping back into the middle school me. The me who felt so terribly lonely,the me who was an outsider with no self confidence. I inwardly berated myself for not bringing a book or something to occupy my time with anything to keep from looking as lonely as I was. In the end I just ate really quickly and left. I don't like being the person that I was back then. I've really grown and come into myself here at Converse. I don't like to think that this new me is contingent on my having friends and I really don't think it is. This is just what happens when I get all remniscent. This is why I've decided not to look to or dwell on the past. What's done is done. And since, at the moment, looking to the future makes me cry; right now I'm living in the now.